Funeral Etiquette

The accepted customs of dress and behavior in a funeral have changed over time, but courtesy never goes out of style. Here’s what we’d like you to know about funeral etiquette.

Making the Most of a Difficult Time

It’s important to know what religious, ethnic or personal considerations you need to take into account. And it’s also important to be respectful of the emotions of close family members.

Here are a few things expected of you:

• Offer an expression of sympathy.
  Sometimes we are at a loss for words when encountering something as final as death. Simply saying "I'm sorry for your loss" is usually enough. Be respectful and listen attentively when spoken to, and offer your own words of condolence.

• Find out the dress code.
  These days almost anything goes, but only when you know it's the right thing. In fact, sometimes the deceased has specified the dress code; “no black” is a common request. If you can't learn the wishes of the family, then dress conservatively, and avoid bright colors.

• Give a gift.
  It doesn't matter if it is flowers, a donation to a charity or a commitment of service to the family at a later date; as always, "it's the thought that counts." Always make sure to provide the family with a signed card, so they know what gift was given, and by whom.

• Sign the register book.
  Include not only your name, but your relationship to the deceased: co-worker, gym buddy, or casual acquaintance from the golf club. This helps family place who you are in future.

• Keep in touch.
  It's sometimes awkward for you to do so, but for most people the grieving doesn't end with a funeral.

But, What Shouldn't You Do?

• Don't feel that you have to stay.
  If you make a visit during calling hours there's no reason your stay has to be a lengthy one.

• Don't be afraid to laugh.
  Remembering their loved one fondly can mean sharing a funny story or two. Just be mindful of the time and place; if others are sharing, then you may do so too. There is simply no good reason you shouldn't talk about the deceased in a happy, positive tone.

• Don't feel you have to view the deceased if there is an open casket.
  Act according to what is comfortable to you.

• Don't allow your children to be a disturbance.
  If you feel they might be, then leave them with a sitter. But, if the deceased meant something to them, it's a good idea to invite them to share in the experience.

• Don't leave your cell phone on.
  Switch it off before entering the funeral home, or better yet, leave it in the car. All too often, we see people checking their cell phones for messages during the services.

• Don't neglect to step into the receiving line.
  Simply say how sorry you are for their loss, offer up your own name and how you knew the deceased.

• Don't be too hard on yourself if you make a mistake.
  Everyone does, and you can be sure that an apology may be all that's needed to mend and soothe.

When it's all over, always remember to continue to offer support and love to the bereaved. The next few months are a time when grieving friends and relatives could need you most. Let them know that your support did not end with the funeral.

General Etiquette Information

The Funeral Service
The family specifies the type of service conducted for the deceased. Our trained memorial designers will assist in arranging whatever type of service they desire. Celebrations of Life at the family's place of worship or at Lake Ridge Chapel with the deceased present, varies in ritual according to denomination. The presence of friends at this time is an acknowledgement of friendship and support. It is helpful to friends and the community to have an obituary notice published announcing the death and type of service planned.

Private Service
This service is by invitation only and may be held at a place of worship, Lake Ridge Chapel and Memorial Designers or a family home. Usually, selected relatives and a few close friends attend the funeral service. Often public visitation is held, condolences are sent, and the body is viewed.

Memorial Service
A memorial service is a service without the body present and can vary in ceremony and procedures according to the community and religious affiliations. Some families prefer public visitations followed by a private or graveside service with a memorial service later at their church or many times our chapel.

Pallbearers
Friends, relatives, church members, or business associates may be asked to serve as pallbearers. Glen Abbey will provide pallbearers if requested to do so by the family.

Honorary Pallbearers
When the deceased has been active in political, business, church or civic circles, it may be appropriate for the family to request close associates of the deceased to serve as honorary pallbearers. They do not actively carry the casket.

Eulogy
A member of the family, clergy, a close personal friend or a business associate of the deceased, may give a eulogy. The eulogy is not to be lengthy, but should offer praise and commendation and reflect the life of the person who has died.

Dress
Wearing colorful clothing is no longer inappropriate for relatives and friends. Persons attending a funeral should be dressed in good taste so as to show dignity and respect for the family and the occasion.

Condolences
The time of death is a very confusing time for family members. No matter what your means of expressing your sympathy, it is important to clearly identify yourself to the family.

Flowers
Sending a floral tribute is a very appropriate way of expressing sympathy to the family of the deceased. Flowers express a feeling of life and beauty and offer much comfort to the family. A floral tribute can either be sent to the church, the chapel or the residence. If sent to the residence, usually a planter or a small vase of flowers indicating a person's continued sympathy for the family is suggested. The florist places an identification card on the floral tribute. At the church or chapel the cards are removed from the floral tributes and given to the family so they may acknowledge the tributes sent.

Mass Cards
Mass cards can be sent either by Catholic or non-Catholic friends. The offering of prayers is a valued expression of sympathy to a Catholic family. A card indicating that a Mass for the deceased has been arranged may be obtained from any Catholic parish. In most areas it is possible to obtain Mass cards from their family church. The Mass offering card or envelope is given to the family as an indication of understanding, faith and compassion. Make sure that your name and address is legible and that you list your postal code. This will make it easier for the family to acknowledge your gift.

Sympathy Cards
Sending a card of sympathy, even if you are only an acquaintance is appropriate. It means so much to the family members to know they are in good thoughts. The card should be in good taste and in keeping with your relationship to the family of the deceased.

Personal Note
A personal note of sympathy is very meaningful. Express yourself openly and sincerely. An expression such as "I'm sorry to learn of your personal loss" is welcomed by the family and can be kept with other messages.

Telephone Call
Speaking to a family member gives you an opportunity to offer your services and make them feel you really care. If they wish to discuss their recent loss, don't hesitate to talk to the person about the deceased. Be a good listener. Sending a telegram expressing your sympathy is also appropriate.

Visitation
Your presence at the visitation demonstrates that although someone has died, friends still remain. Your presence is an eloquent statement that you care. Visitation provides a time and place for friends to offer their expression of sorrow and sympathy, rather than awkwardly approaching the subject at the office, supermarket or social activities. The obituary/death notice will designate the hours of visitation when the family will be present and will also designate the times when special services such as lodge services or prayer services may be held. Persons may call Glen Abbey at any time of the day or evening to pay respects, even though the family is not present. Friends and relatives are requested to sign the register book. A person's full name should be listed e.g. "Mrs. John Doe". If the person is a business associate, it is proper to list their affiliation, as the family may not be familiar with their relationship to the deceased. Friends should use their own judgment on how long they should remain at the church or place of visitation. If they feel their presence is needed, they should offer to stay. When the funeral service is over, the survivors often feel very alone in dealing with their feelings. It is important that they know you are still there. Keep in touch.

Sympathy Expressions
When a person calls at the funeral or place of visitation, clasping hands, an embrace, or a simple statement of condolence can express sympathy, such as:
"I'm sorry."
"My sympathy to you."
"It was good to know John."
"John was a fine person and a friend of mine. He will be missed."
"My sympathy to your mother."

The family member in return may say:
"Thanks for coming."
"John talked about you often."
"I didn't realize so many people cared."
"Come see me when you can."

Encourage the bereaved to express their feelings and thoughts, but don't overwhelm them.

Children At Funerals
At a very early age, children have an awareness of and a response to death. Children should be given the option to attend visitation and the funeral service. Our staff can advise you on how to assist children at the time of a funeral and can provide you with additional information and literature.

Grief Recovery
It is healthy to recognize death and discuss it realistically with friends and relatives. When a person dies, there is grief that needs to be shared. Expressions of sympathy and the offering of yourself to help others following the funeral are welcomed. It is important that we share our grief with one another. We will help the family and friends locate available resources and grief recovery programs in your area.

We are Here to Help

Perhaps you've got special concerns about an upcoming funeral or memorial service? We're here to provide the answers you're looking for. Call us at (806) 698-8085.